I remember you!

My Love, my heart, my Aaron. You left me suddenly. Because I did not have a moment to act, I feel disempowered... disemboweled. My heart and guts spill upon the floor. Tho you lay so neat and primped and perfect and silent and peaceful and final when I saw you last.


My heart is in my hand again. It was yours, but you were not sure what to do with it. Love. It was mine, but I constantly gave it away. Love? And what we feared we hoped for most will never know. Love!


We were learning to love each other past our pain. We were succeeding. Your words echo in my mind. "Let's not lose all we have invested to here. Let's go on together." And sometimes I think of joining you in Grace. Sometimes I think of giving up this race and finishing first; not til last.


Who will protect you now? Who will hold me when I cry? Whose passion will fulfill our purposes? And how will I ever love again.


I can flash from emotion to emotion and wonder where I have been. I get lost and vanish into a sea of tears again. Wondering how long the wave will last and will I wash away. Wash away. Wash away. My tears.


There's another day coming and we will be joined again. We will forgive again. Embrace again. I miss you. Everyday I miss you. Waking u, waking me, in mysterious play, and loving all day. God, Aaron, I miss your hugs.


Our friends call and sometimes we cry together, missing you. Sometimes I laugh and cry at the same time. One day you WILL be back where I miss you most--by my side. That's my hardest moment. Walking down these treelined brownstoned westside Brooklyn streets. I miss you by my side.


I am shaken by everything I have. The kitchen where you spent so much time taking care of us. The dished have piled in the sink. Some part of me believing if I push it far enough you may come back to wash them out of spite.


I need your spirit here but I can't feel you yet. I just vascilate between the absence and the pain...the absence and the pain...the absence and the pain.


They didn't have to worry about me holding it all inside, darlin'. I WAIL AND MOAN FOR U STILL. I miss you sooo deep inside me.


You went thru so much pain in such a short time...and now they will all bring you roses. Not for you to smell, not for you to nurture, and not for you to pridefuly shine over. They will bring you roses for your curtain call. A last hoorah. A wimper. Parting glances. Then the lights fade away and here I am again. Having buried a second lover, a second father, a third best friend and a third brother. But, you, in Grace, you are finally pain-free.


We will deliver the prize, the word, the brass ring in the form of your son, Desmond, who has only just not yet become a man. Both of us will be his unseen angels. So he can finish what his father started. I miss that hope in your eyes for Desmond.


Aaron, my heart is forever yours.




---------Love, Wil